My Anxiety of the Future

Ok, so this one will be a doozy over here, so bear with me. I wanted to start this in light of a realization I’ve had recently- now here me out, what I’m going to tell you isn’t what this video is about, but what hit home with me and how it might affect our future as a community. The realization I’ve had started with the already run into the ground Pewdiepie scandal type thing. This isn’t going to be about that, at all, but it was a foundation that hit me with this, dare I say, fear felt right now. If you don’t already know about the PewDiePie stuff, there are literally thousands of videos on it, go look at them, because you won’t find anything about that here.

I want to keep this ad-free, because I want it to be real, and not so clickbaity. The epiphany I got caught up in, is really for my subscribers but may be affecting other’s as well, so if you’re here not knowing me or my content, maybe just listen in and hear me ramble about I feel, and maybe take my words and help your favorite YouTuber too. Everyone needs a little boost in morale.

Ok, start this, at once I heard about the whole PewDiePie thing and became aware that it was something I had dealt with before with gamergate, being so confused on whether either side was right I couldn’t understand, because I couldn’t care less about journalism, it was the content in the games I wanted, but that soon changed when it started affecting the games creation.

Right now, that’s how a lot ofYouTuberss feel whether they admit it or not. We’re scared that we may make a crude joke or something that would get us flak for something misguided. The problem that hit me was, that I am just a small, growing channel with just under 400 subscribers. I guess I got afraid and started stifling my creativity, and I know that I shouldn’t do that, but I want you all to understand, I’m more concerned about what you guys think of me than bigger dogs in this business. I want to make your lives better with fun content, and I’m letting fear get in the way of that, and it makes me angry that I’m letting it.

Make no mistake, as a person who hates politics and believes in eternal forgiveness from all things, of course with appropriate punishment for the quote unquote crime, I’m about an inch close to getting extremely fearful about the future. Now what am I basing this video on? I want to talk to you guys who enjoy my work, I want you guys to be happy in the terms of my own happiness. Take this as an example, if you wanted me to show my face, or change my channel into a prank channel, that would be a very firm NO. but take my According to Demo videos, I make a ton of factual mistakes, and I try my best to fix them afterward, but it doesn’t always work. Some of you have been kind enough and showed me where I was wrong, and that’s what I want.

I want my community to be a massive cohesion of people who communicate and have fun with each other, I know my current content doesn’t necessarily do that, but I want it to be that way in the future. From here on out, I won’t upload a single video I’m not proud of, like the Cosmic League Series I did, or too long, like the philosophy video, or too heavily confusing, like my According to Demo videos. You guys have called me out on some of my mistakes, except for the philosophy video, and I adore that. That’s what I want from you guys for my whole career.

I’ve always, no matter what, never deviated from something I was determined about. I beat major depression, and I feel great, and it’s now not irrational fear, but it’s still there if I’m not careful. A while ago, I had a serious problem trusting people. I considered everyone an enemy before they were proven capable of trust. I was weak, scared, and afraid… then I changed my mind. Turned to Christ, and now look where I am. I’m absolutely happy with no alternative forms of happiness desired. I love making these videos for you guys. I remember when I got my first subscriber, on my first day I got 3… and then it slowly upscaled into what I have now.

It only took a year… now here’s the point of my whole video. With all this stuff about being called a Nazi and other things completely out of the blue and watering down the meaning into nothing but an insult when it should be taken as decree of avoidance is really wearing on my mind. I’ve come to finalize in my life that people hate based on boredom and confusion with their life. This is just hollow anger. It’s literally like saying that your hating everyone because of the heavy hand of fate that you were dealt. I know that pain, I’ve felt it, I have done some pretty stupid and violent stuff, but it hasn’t killed my relationships, because they were understanding.

One thing I’ve noticed, I get very angry when someone labels me, or couples me into a group of people and call us bad. I have a deep gash in my soul and I’ve just gotten out of not trusting anyone to now I trust everyone until proven untrustworthy. I’ve completely rewritten my thought process, and I’m afraid they’re going to cause a backslide in myself.

The biggest brick in the road is that I know why I feel this way. And I’m talking to anyone who creates things from nothing, or gets too sensitive and seeks to destroy a person image over very little.

I know what it’s like to lose your anger, I know what it feels to be cast aside, to be pushed away from a scenario… I know. But you hate them, hate them just a little bit. Because you’re jealous. This is what this war is about, Jealousy. Jealous you could ever admit defeat to someone who people actually look up to. Knowing that your words are not as big as you’d hope them to be.

I mean look at me, I’ll probably only get like 20 views on this because of my size. I’m not looking to bargain nor deal. I’m looking for my community to walk with me on this road I have. Telling me what I’ve done wrong, telling me what I’ve done right. And most of all, having respect for me, and your fellow members of not just my community, but every community, whether it be youtube, forums, facebook, church, walmart shopping clubs, I don’t know, but most of all, don’t attack people just because you hate their words. Once you’ve attacked someone because of something you disagree with, you’ve already lost the argument. I’m not the type of person to say I need to tell people how to be, and I guess that’s what I’m doing, isn’t it?

I’m just worried about my future as a small youtuber, because the Pewdiepie incident showed me that you guys, or at least a youtubers community, is their backdrop when they falter. You’re my safety net… hell, you’re my entire existence on youtube. I just want to make people laugh and put a little more thought into your daily lives with comedy and other small facts I’ve put in my videos before.

I may not be actually good at my job, as I’m not a good drawer, and therefore not a good animator, but it’s what I am. I’ve pored my soul into this- so much so that I can’t even play video games all day, I used to clock in 8 hours a day, now I’m lucky if I get 8 hours a week. I’m not in this for the money, but with money comes more and better content. I’m not going to let a budget stop me from making top notch content for my subscribers because I want to be the best. I’ve been told I have one of the best styles for a smaller youtuber, but I know how bigger youtubers feel. And listen to me right now, if I don’t get even 100,000 subs in my lifetime, I’m still going to do this, because you guys are my world. I wouldn’t know what to do without it. And that’s my worry, what if one day I mess up big time. What if some big name corporation takes away your trust.

With the words pedophile, nazi, nazi supporter, and other derogatory terms going around for people who other’s don’t agree with, it’s safe to assume that I’m legitimately scared about my future. I’ve built my year around this now, and I’m not stopping for at least 86 years. I’m resilient, but I’m only as strong as my community supports me. When pewdiepie was about to cry when he thanked everyone for supporting him, that hit my own narrative as I know I’m not a big youtuber, but people stoop to low ball moves and go after smaller guys, because that’s how to properly destroy YouTube, from the ground up. And if I have given anyone, such as the media, any incentive to follow through with that plan, if I see one damn article about a smaller youtuber, I’m calling you out, I’m not going to stand and let you get in the way of their life. To be such an evil person want to ruin someone’s livelihood is abominable, and you’re messing with a man who’s been backstabbed before. I have my connections that you do not know about, and I most certainly am not going to tell you if I am going to take the high road or the low road. Because each situation is different and calls for different travels with different roads.

I may act big and tough, but it’s not because I am, but I what I want to be. I make mistakes, and going out of your way to destroy someone’s image is not a mistake, but a decree of war. I used to be the guy that you didn’t mess with- the, “I’ll give my life to punish yours” type of scum you see in movies and war stories. Yeah, cute wittle me was like that at one point. But there’s one thing that separated the things I felt vs. what they are doing, is that I don’t justify anything I do- and I would most definitely despise going back into feeling like that because that isn’t me, it isn’t my heart, but I sometimes do based on necessity, and if I see necessity in protecting someone I will- unless something very serious, that would constitute a felony or suicide, I’ll never attack, even if you attack me. Because I know what it’s like to be on the receiving end, and I hope my graciousness would sway you. If I do bad, I say I’m sorry and move on whether I feel it to be true or not. If I do good, I’m not going to explain to you why I did it. And this is what makes me hate about myself, thinking that I’m strong enough to do something that big, to understand what it means to be the top and almost fall off it. If I was banned from youtube today, then I don’t know what I’d do, other than work on my website more, because it needs it.

My community, I hope, will be tight knit, and support each other if anything were to ever happen to my channel. I’m still unsure what that may be, but the road is narrow as of now, and the more that follow us, the road will grow. I love you guys, even my enemies. And remember that if you pick on one of us, you unleash a slew of infinite white mages that heal better than your damn attacks can cause damage. I’m just speaking out of worry and its just my thoughts, I’m not even sure if I made coherent sense. But I hope I taught someone something. Because the pewdiepie thing caused a mass of media to paint youtube as the bad place, and such has caused some of my own family members to not want to be affiliated with youtube. If it comes down that being a youtuber becomes a free speech holocaust- and yes, I used that in correct context, because Holocaust doesn’t mean just mass murder, but destruction. I wanted to push the boundaries, but I backed away out of fear. And I now see that was wrong of me, and if anyone gets in my way, I’ll act accordingly and go around them, not trample them. Maybe you caught something from this gigantic rant…

I’ve given myself a headache now!

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About Demosthenes

As a random martial artist obsessed with the wonders of art itself, this self-made buzzlenut has an infatuation for Vocaloid! Along with Video Games, Anime, Manga- or any form of media really, this dude takes his psychology to the next degree! As in Associates Degree!

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